Living Authentically
What in the f*ck does that even mean?
Sitting atop waterfalls in Oregon, my happy place. :) Where I would go to think, feel the vibrations of the waterfall, and write my heart out. www.unrulywomen.org
Ask yourself, are you living your life through fear based reactions and projections or from a scarcity mindset? Or are you living your life from a centered authentic you, where every decision you make and action you take comes from a place of meaning? Sometimes it’s hard to distinguish a difference especially when life gets in the way - when “shoulds” and expectations and judgements get in the way of your knowing.
You might be thinking, it’s not that easy. But…. isn’t it? Wouldn’t you rather have a life lived authentically and true to who you are at your core than live your life as someone trying to be accepted, trying to uphold the expectations that others and society place upon you, trying to be the person someone else told you to be, or even the person you think you “should” be? All of that trying sounds exhausting. Aren't you tired?
Who are you, really? Have you ever thought about the “why” behind your likes and dislikes? Have you ever though about the “why” behind how you live your life and what you do?
Sitting at sunset, looking out at Half Dome in Yosemite after days of camping, sleeping in a rental car (a tiny Toyota Yaris) with my friend Kaila, rock climbing in Yosemite Valley, and camping with strangers who stole our campsite. This was a pivotal time in my life, I just didn’t realize it at the time. www.unrulywomen.org
Sometimes it’s hard to even recognize when what we say comes from a place of protection, defensiveness, or trauma. Sometimes we’re just having a bad day, we’re all entitled to those, but who are we to make other people feel badly about something they may have nothing to do with - especially when most people have their own invisible battles going on? This goes too for that person in your life, or the random encounter of the person who yelled at you - the way they projected onto you their fears, worries, anger, or feeling of self entitled bullshit - you didn’t deserve that. You didn’t deserve the wrath of someone else unleashing upon you their own insecurities.
It’s not your fault. Or maybe it was, something you did or didn’t do directly or indirectly, or maybe you just happen to look like someone they know and it triggers something inside of them that just sets them off. That’s their baggage coming through, that trauma they pushed down and swept under the rug never again to see the light of day, until now.
Because, that’s what happens when we don’t take care of our own shit. You, are your business. You, are your responsibility and no-one else’s. Your accountability, your happiness, how you react to situations, how you uphold personal boundaries… is all you.
You are not the stories you tell yourself.
Griz and I looking out into the Appalachian mountains of West Virginia, a butterfly landed on my knee, and it felt like the universe sending me on my way to my next adventure. www.unrulywomen.org
I used to be terrible with boundaries, hell, I didn’t even grasp the entirety of the meaning until 2020. To be honest, I’m still working on identifying, establishing and sticking to them. I used to think I was really easy going, carefree and impartial to whatever happened, I could handle it - but in reality, I just didn’t want conflict. It’s weird, recognizing things like that, later on. When you have those lightbulb moments like “ohhhh…..ok, I see that now.” Sometimes there’s denial, not wanting to see or acknowledge what I allowed to happen, what I allowed someone to say to me, how I allowed someone to treat me. As if it was rolling over me, impenetrable, a master of brushing it off like it never happened. As if I didn’t have a voice to say otherwise. As if I didn’t have my own opinion. As if.
Our body holds memories, the tension in our shoulders, that twinge in your neck, the way your body tenses when someone yells. Memories, triggered. We’re not as invincible as we think. What we ignore will fester and we can’t process what we don’t first recognize.
Especially in current time, where news is constant, updates are constant, phone calls, texts, and emails to keep everyone connected at all times - are constant. We’re constantly bombarded with a false sense of connection with the world around us and the people around it, and I’ve never felt so disconnected.
Disconnected from actual people, those surface conversations of pleasantries drive me crazy. You’re not “fine”, I’m not “fine”. No one is “fine” as wars are breaking out, pandemics turn endemic, and mass shootings seem to be a weekly event. I want real. We need, real. I want to know how you’re feeling. I want to know what happened to you today. I want to know that you know your emotions aren’t you, your experiences aren’t you, what happened to you doesn’t define who you are. I want you to cry and feel and experience what makes us human, because the more we try to bury and pretend everything is fine the less human we become. We’re not machines, we are human.
Griz and I watching the sun rise behind Mt. Shasta. www.unrulywomen.org
Keep in mind, it’s a great tool to be able to ask your friends, loved ones and even strangers (if that’s your jam) if they have the space to hold for you to be honest and share. What we say, holds power and carries energy with it. As I mentioned before, we’ve all got our own shit going on and we don’t need to “dump” ours onto their pile if they don’t have the space to hold right now- especially if it may be triggering, setting off seismic waves that radiate outward from person to person. Boundaries.
Real communication. When we tune in to what we’re feeling, when we give ourselves permission to express and ask permission to share our emotions, we have the opportunity to gain clarity into the “why”. Instead of blaming, we can hold ourselves accountable to process and assess why we interpreted something that was said or done, why we reacted a certain way, why we feel a certain way afterwards, and recognizing others’ projections are all ways that grant us the ability to let go.
Unearthing isn’t easy, especially in a world where we’ve been conditioned to survive, conform and persevere - no matter what. When we allow ourselves to truly feel, peel back the layers and understand the “why” it gives us the permission for our emotions to move through us, process, and let go. Instead of burying, ignoring, and eventually reacting when triggered.
Setting boundaries, unearthing who you truly are, and speaking your truth are the foundation to living life authentically. It takes practice and definitely doesn’t happen overnight. But, if you plant those seeds of intention, you’ll slowly begin to recognize your triggers, reactions, projections - and when you’re no longer making decisions from an honest place, from your true self.
A word of warning. Once you start unearthing your innermost self and your truest desires and become brutally honest with yourself - be ready for the very real pull away from anything that doesn’t align with who you are. It’s an invisible pull, intangible, but almost painful if you resist for too long. The pull gets stronger and the little voice (your intuition) gets louder until it’s impossible to ignore. Until you make those life changes, each decision made from your truth - not fear, not from a scarcity mindset, not from judgements or expectations - is a stepping stone to exactly where you’re meant to be.
You’ll know when you get where you’re meant to be, it feels right - not to be mistaken with easy or that it won’t be hard work. When you’re doing what aligns with who you are you don’t have to try so hard to make it work. Not to say you won’t make mistakes, perfection isn’t realistic. Try to find fun in your mistakes and mishaps and the things that make life, life. Over time, you’ll feel it deeply in your core, you’ll see it in your eyes, in your face, the way you express yourself and move through your day.
Feeling stuck, like you don’t have any options, making excuses? Stop. Close your eyes and take some deep breaths. You don’t see options, because you’re afraid. You’ve been trying to squeeze yourself into a box that wasn’t meant to hold you. Following your intuition can be scary, it’s a deeper knowing that often has no real explanation or understanding, just a feeling - and it can be hard to not only trust it but to actually follow it blindly. But, just because you can’t explain it, doesn’t mean it’s not true.
You’ve got this. I fucking believe in you, your hopes, your dreams, and the endless possibilities. Don’t be afraid, be excited! The life you’re dreaming of is waiting for you.
Kaila and I backpacking through New Zealand with way too heavy packs, hitchhiking our way around the south island, tired, sweaty, dirty, destination completely unknown - and I’d never been happier. www.unrulywomen.org
Story Time
7 years ago, I was on a trip that changed the entire trajectory of my life. At 22, I was working full-time as a Physical Therapist Assistant and part-time as a Certified Personal Trainer, living what I thought was my dream - especially after working so hard for my education and finally in the careers that I’d dreamt about. I was the fittest I’d ever been, hours a week at the gym before and after work, not eating enough, consuming copious amounts of coffee, always in a constant state of “ready for anything and everything” and completely unaware of my state of being. I didn’t have an “off” switch, let alone know what relaxation truly was. I thought I was living, but I was far from it.
7 years ago I made a plan for 3 weeks of traveling solo through Patagonia in Chile and Argentina, I had everything priced out and ready to go, until I’d excitedly told my parents about it. Who, you could maybe imagine, went full parent on me. As a compromise, I booked a flight to New Zealand with my best friend and didn’t tell them until it was done and paid for- they wouldn’t be talking me out of this one.
Little planning went into this trip. We’d only booked the flight, the first night in a hostel and the rest of the 3 weeks were completely unknown with loose ideas of where we wanted to go and what we wanted to see. Those 3 weeks, changed my life. To me, this was living, this is what my life was missing. The adventure, the spontaneity, the ease of nowhere to be, with the excitement of endless possibilities.
We hitchhiked, stayed in hostels, stranger’s backyards, trusted people we didn’t know with all of our belongings without thinking twice - embracing this lifestyle wholeheartedly and easily. I almost didn’t come back. I liked who I was when I was there, meaning I liked the person I became when I was embracing this authentic self without fear and without judgement- only pure excitement and open arms. I wanted to stay and work in the vineyards and live on the ocean and meet people from all over the world. I wanted adventure.
Before this trip, I always felt like I needed someone else to keep me safe - like a big strong boyfriend, conditioned to believe that I wasn’t safe in the world unless I was accompanied by a man, especially at night, especially in cities, especially in crowds, the list goes on. Because that’s our society. Conditioning girls/women to live in fear, without holding boys/men accountable for what they might do because they “couldn’t help themselves” - accountability out the window. It’s the language we use, how we say it, an unspoken culture- I digress, this is a topic for another time.
Here’s your reminder. You can do it, you don’t need anyone but yourself, and if you follow your gut it’ll guide you - even if you can’t explain why.
We’d made it back to the coast after 50 miles of hitchhiking. This place, was an absolute dream come true. www.unrulywomen.org
Reverse culture shock is very real. I grabbed my bike and ran out the door of my apartment to ride around the lakes, pushing hard, riding hard, and then I stopped. I caught myself lost in thought about how hard I was riding, the mileage, how many calories I would burn, and how much I’d eaten, instead of just enjoying the ride. I looked at the people as I rode by, waving and smiling to their empty eyes, everyone in their own world, on their phones, headphones filling their ears to drown out the life around them. I slowed down, realizing I’d never felt more alone while surrounded by so many people. I stopped, realizing how alone I was in a sea of people in the heart of Minneapolis. I walked my bike off the path and lied down in the grass. I stared up into the sky with the deep knowing that I couldn’t keep living this way, I had the privilege to learn what living meant to me, and this wasn’t it, this was surviving. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d gone for a bike ride just for the sake of riding my bike without an agenda. Everything I did, I did for a purpose. Every decision I made, absolutely everything I did had a reason, and yet, this wasn’t living. I didn’t feel alive.
The next day, I barely made it through one full day of work. I was suddenly overwhelmed by the bumper to bumper Minneapolis traffic, the intense patient caseload, working for a company that had no value for their employees or patient care no matter how much they told us otherwise, the monotony of rushing to get nowhere fast and pushing for productivity to the point of exhaustion in order to succeed.
It had only been two years and this was the first time I recognized burnout, even if I didn’t know the word for it. I cried the whole way home. I completely broke down as soon as I walked into our apartment, then I made a loose plan and wrote my resignation letters for both jobs. I didn’t know exactly what I was going to do next, all I knew is that I couldn’t keep doing what I was doing, and I couldn’t fake it anymore.
In New Zealand, I was happy and dirty and soaked half the time in rain and sweat and although challenging at times I had never felt more myself. This was the beginning of the end, of who I thought I was, and I am so fucking thankful to have had that opportunity to discover a piece of myself long lost.
It took 6 more years until I fully realized my cyclical burnout pattern and quit my career for good. Again, unsure of how exactly I’d get where I wanted to go, but had the deepest knowing that I needed to go.
Unearthing your intuition, embracing your identity, and speaking your truth isn’t easy, but it does get easier with time and practice. It’s an imperfectly perfect road to embracing your humanity, and I’m here for it. I’m here for you. And I’m excited for you to embrace the unknown and trust your inner most knowing.
